8 Myths About Polyamorous Couples, Because We Aren’t Attempting To Exchange Each Other

arrived as poly
this season, after over six numerous years of exercising numerous forms of
honest non-monogamy
among ill-advised stints of monogamy i’d accept to while I was swooning with brand new union power. Subsequently, i have been better about keeping genuine to myself personally (at the very least regarding poly), and it’s really paid — I currently have three great, strong connections. I’m available about getting poly the same exact way that I’ve long been available about becoming queer: if it pops up obviously, We express, if you don’t, Really don’t.

Because we live-in a tradition in which discussing your partner in small-talk will be the norm, referring right up generally. Normally as soon as I’ve pointed out a “boyfriend” and a “girlfriend” for the exact same individual, they’ll hunt puzzled or perhaps outright ask, and that I usually supply a simple and short description that I’m poly and then have multiple long-lasting partners. Combined with the “huh?!” look I have from a lot of folk, the questions they ask and also the answers obtained show some quite bizarre ideas about poly lovers.

Most of the myths about poly couples tend to be grounded on
fables about polyamory
itself — particularly that
it is all about the gender
polyamory is abnormal
— but there are a few added myths surrounding couplehood that don’t appear for unicamente poly folk. A number of these fables are genuinely damaging, among others are simply just irritating, but comprehending the fact in it is essential
no matter whether you’re mono or poly
. But 1st, have a look at newest episode of Bustle’s intercourse and relationships podcast “I Want It That Way”:

Myth no. 1: If It’s An M/F Couple, It Was The Man That Forced For An Open Connection

Because we are taught to believe guys always wish sex which women aren’t down for sweaty fun — also because people associate “poly” with “intercourse” — folks instantly think that guys are always those to force for an open relationship if it is man-woman pair. Ends up though,
ladies are two times as most likely as males
to advise an unbarred relationship, which squares using my knowledge: i have been the person to insist upon it.

Myth no. 2: If You’ll Find Various Partners, There Is A “Actual” One

Although i’m section of three different “couple” arrangements, the only person that people address because the “real” a person is my commitment with my male partner. A lot of this dates back to heteronormativity, as well as the proven fact that lesbians can’t have “real” intercourse, and it is partly because we eventually stay collectively. For poly partners, all of their connections tend to be genuine — irrespective of who they live with or whatever they’re packin’ downstairs.

Myth number 3: We Must Be Unicorn Hunters

Since I have started managing among my personal associates, the ceaseless presumption is the fact that
the guy and I also tend to be unicorn searching
— this is certainly, trying to find a ”
with hot bi girl
” to “finish” the “family.” Blech, no cheers. While this specifically plagues directly couples, a number of queer poly partners face this misconception, also. It seems sensible why — significant partners go through a unicorn searching period
once they initially start
— but most veteran poly folk know better.

Myth number 4: Having A Nesting Lover Indicates You Practice Hierarchical Poly

Because I accept among my personal partners, men and women immediately assume that
he is my primary lover
— that will be, that we hold him and all of our relationship above other individuals, therefore, fundamentally, that any of my personal
other relationships are “additional.”
Additional lovers in many cases are put in the situation of obtaining their emotions and requirements overlooked or considered irrelevant, and also little control over the situation. Even though some poly partners perform exercise hierarchical poly, a great amount of united states never, and give consideration to our interactions equal in significance. It’d end up being fantastic to
see OkCupid recognize that
, also.

Myth number 5: We “Show” All Of Our Partners

First and foremost: everyone is not items are shared. Stage. But in addition, no. Not every person that is poly is bi, and my lovers and I also have very various style in men and women, for the most part. Sometimes absolutely some overlap, because poly communities are pretty small, and quite often, once the performers magically align, a triad situation even does occur — but sharing


of your partners? Not at all something for the majority poly folk, except the unicorn-hunting types.

Myth #6: We’ren’t Serious/Committed together

Have a look, my personal nesting lover and that I may have been with each other for 5 years are available Halloween, my personal girl and that I have already been with each other over six decades, and my personal some other girl and that I were with each other about two. We varying examples of entanglement, but i have talked about cross-country techniques with two of all of them when preparing for grad college. If that is maybe not devotion, I don’t know what’s. Poly people are similar to mono folks in that respect: some want matrimony and infants (
or curently have them
), some choose the bar world and casual flings.

Myth number 7: It’s Simply A Phase

Some moms and dads tend to be specially attracted to the theory that poly lovers will grow from the jawhorse and settle down someday, or that their child will change their unique mind if they meet with the “right individual.” Personally, I


came across the proper person — there’s just one or more of them — and I also’ve never had any motives of “deciding all the way down,” anyhow. But
many poly individuals relax
, cohabitate,
have people, and stay poly
when it comes to long term.

Myth #8: We Are Trying To Replace Both

Clearly the actual only real explanation anyone would agree to be poly is if they aren’t pleased collectively any longer, plus they are trying to painlessly and effortlessly proceed to a unique union, correct? While that really does take place, I’m able to state with certainty that i could never ever think about attempting to replace any kind of my lovers — section of being poly is actually acknowledging that folks aren’t interchangeable.

Pictures: Creator’s own; Giphy